


What the Panda Ate

by Selah



Category: D-OUT (Band), Jrock, Kagrra, Kra (Band), SuG (Band)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Puns & Word Play, so many terrible puns, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 06:31:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14490900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selah/pseuds/Selah
Summary: Some days Naoki really did have the worst sense of humor.





	What the Panda Ate

**Author's Note:**

> Written for VKY@DreamWidth's April challenge, using humor (in this case, bad humor) and a 90s band. Witty word play is a whole thing in Japanese, both written and spoken. The jokes in _this_ story, however, are more along the lines of childish or Dad jokes. Even the title is a reference to a bad joke. ;) So a HUGE shout-out to AutomationAir for finding and translating a whole bunch of bread and panda jokes (with a side apology to everyone else who was subjected to us, cuz I used maybe *half* of what she found). Jokes are all end-noted with kanji and romaji.

“It's Mitapan!”

“And the bakery I saw!”1

Izumi closed his eyes and tried not to groan at the voices in the hall. Maybe he'd get lucky and it would just be the two of them? Maybe they were just clowning around in the hall and had no intention of coming in here?

Right, and maybe this next single of theirs would just magically record and master _itself_.

“Ah, the solo bakery was beaten black and blue!”2

That time Izumi couldn't actually stop his groan. Growing up with Naoki, one might have expected him to be immune to his best friend's terrible humor by now. Chiyu's love of awful puns had been a horrible enough discovery, but then the company had gone and signed D=out and Naoki and Chiyu had found another joke brother in Reika ... _and_ learned that SCREW's Kazuki had been holding out on them. The dreadful puns had been flying fast and furious ever since.

The three bassists tumbled into the break room a moment later, still laughing, though they all stopped when they saw Izumi. The silence felt charged with a sort of horrible energy, the three men sharing a look that felt like the tip of doom.

“If you wear a g-string, the old man will vomit bread,”3 Chiyu stage-whispered to Reika with fake solemnity. It was the last straw, Izumi could almost _feel_ his pulse throbbing in his forehead.

“Yamada Naoki. If I hear one more goddamned bread joke....”

“Okay, okay, but what about the blood panda's chino pants?”4 his bassist asked with such an innocent expression it was outrageous.

“Get. Out.”

“But –.”

“OUT!”

At least he could take some modest satisfaction in the fear that appeared in Chiyu and Reika's eyes, the two younger men grabbing onto Naoki and hustling him back out of the room. At this rate, he was going to need a break from his break, his head dropping down to his folded arms.

“... Zu?”

“... oh hey, Shinpei,” he said when he picked his head up from the table. Shin was frowning down at him and he wondered if that was a good or bad sign. Sometimes with Shin it could be hard to tell.

“Some particular reason we're terrorizing bassists today?” his friend asked after a moment, sitting down with a steaming mug of coffee, his frown replaced with a secretive smile.

“Think it's too late to get corporate to change their mind about signing Dauto?”

“You should just be happy vistlip's still in the middle of their contract, or it would be even worse,” Shin replied, smirking behind his coffee cup.

“... don't even joke like that,” Izumi said with a low groan, head sinking back to the table for a moment. It was bad enough some days already, he didn't want to think about it being even worse.

“Dare I ask what it was this time?” the guitarist asked after another moment of peaceful, _quiet_ companionship.

“More bread jokes,” Izumi said, sitting back up again and rubbing his nose. “I don't even know how it is they haven't run out of them yet.”

“Well, 'bread' _is_ pretty ripe for punning. And the internet is a double edged sword on the best of days, they probably found a website full of them or something.”

“Shinpei, you're not helping....”

“Deep breaths, dear Leader-sama. Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky and they'll have blown their wad and now need a few days to reload.”

“... I hate you right now,” Izumi muttered, struggling not to be moved by his bandmate's impish grin. It wasn't really working.

“Come on, boss, four more hours. I'll even kidnap Naoran tonight if you want,” Shin offered, the grin replaced with a serious look.

“No, no, he's been planning something with Yuhra-kun all week, I imagine that'll keep him out of my hair for a good few hours at least. Just give me another ... ten minutes?”

“You're the boss,” Shin said, winking as he got up. Ten minutes was probably more than he needed, but he was still going to take it.

~*~*~

“So is it true? Did Chiyu-kun seriously use that terrible G-string pun?” Yuhra asked, handing Naoki a beer.

“Oh man, for a second I thought we were all going to die,” he said, nodding his thanks for the beer. “That little vein was pulsing and everything.”

“What did you do?”

“Panicked, of course!” Naoki said, laughing a little. “Babbled something about pandas, which was at least enough to get Chiyu-kun out of the line of fire, then him and Reika-kun dragged me to safety. Then it was ten minutes of Akki making weird faces while we waited for the boss to come back from break and then another four hours of me not looking right at him for fear he'd snap again.”

“Ouch. But at least it's Friday? Or are you guys working again tomorrow?”

“Recording starts tomorrow, but it's guitar and koto, so I should be safe until Monday? I figure I'll lay low, be extra good for awhile, and hope he gets over it quickly.”

“Well, if you need a place to stay while he cools down, you're always welcome. Except for tomorrow night.”

“That sounds like someone has a date. Yuhra-kun, have you been hiding a girlfriend from your precious senpai?! I'm hurt! I really am!”

“It's not like that!” Yuhra protested.

“So ... not a date?”

“No, it is, but I'm not _hiding_ anything, just ... I didn't want to risk messing things up. You know how hard it is to date in this business sometimes and she's ... she's just a normal girl. I ... I really like her and I have to protect her, you know?”

“Even from li'l ol' me?” Naoki asked, putting on his most innocent expression. Yuhra blinked at him a moment, then laughed.

“Give me a little more time to see if this really is something or not? I don't want to get anyone's hopes up. Especially not Mom and Dad.”

“Fair enough,” he said with a little smile. “Just don't put it off too long or I'll have to punish you next!”

“I'm not intimidated by your punning anymore, senpai,” Yuhra countered, grinning himself. 

“I'm sure I could find something!” he said, trying, and failing, to pull off a strict face.

“Doubt it. At least, doubt it'd be you. Dad's a lot better at the whole intimidating thing, yeah?”

“It's that half-oni thing he likes to pull,” Naoki agreed, unable to stop a soft chuckle. 

“... think him and Mom'll ever actually hook up?” Yuhra asked.

“It's been over ten years and they still haven't, not sure what more it's going to take. Magic, maybe?” he said, sipping his beer. “I've tried everything I can think of, nothing's worked.”

“You'd think, with as obvious as it is to the entire label....”

“Yeah, well....” Naoki trailed off with a shrug and another swallow of beer. Sometimes, the very thing that was staring a person in the face was the last thing that person could see. At this point, all he could do was sit back and wait for his two best friends to figure things out for themselves.

~*~*~

“Curry bread?” Naoki asked, offering the still warm snack to his best friend.

“Naoran....”

“No jokes this time, not even about pandas,” he said, wiggling the bun a little. Izumi hesitated, but Naoki's expression _seemed_ genuine. A sigh and he accepted the offered bun.

“This isn't much of an apology, you know.”

“Well yeah, no, but it was meant more as a, um, test of the waters? And we're all agreed to tone down the bad puns,” the bassist explained. Izumi couldn't help a low snort at that; if those four made it to the end of the _weekend_ without cracking any terrible jokes, he would be more than amazed. And potentially a bit scared.

“Is this the whole reason you came in?”

“Shinpei mentioned you were having a rough technical day, I thought I should check-in before going ahead and making dinner, in case you were wanting something specific?”

“Naoran ... you don't have to do that.”

“Sure, but it's never been about that, yeah? Come on, let me make things up to you.”

“You don't have to cook for me to do that,” Izumi said, shaking his head. “Anyway, I really do still have a lot to do around here.”

“So ... an hour then?”

“Naoran....”

“Hour and a half. If you aren't home by then, I'm calling Icchama!”

A bit of a ridiculous threat, but then again, it was Naoki. Huffing a sigh, he waited to be sure his best friend and roommate was well out of range before fishing out his phone and dialing a long-familiar number.

“Hi-kun? How much trouble would I be in if I cancelled tonight? Naoran is insisting on cooking and, well....”

 _“You know, you_ could _just tell him the truth.”_

“Naoran's involved in enough of my life, I like having this being our little secret.”

_“He's going to figure it out eventually.”_

“He hasn't in almost ten years now, I'm good with leaving him in the dark.”

_“All right, love, all right. Tomorrow, then, no excuses.”_

“Tomorrow,” he agreed with a little smirk. Hanging up, he set himself a timer. Threat or not, he didn't really want to take his chances.

~*~*~

“I swear, senpai, you have the _worst_ sense of humor of anyone I've ever known.”

Izumi looked up from his iPad as Naoki and Reita walked into the break room together. Hardly the first time he had heard that complaint from one of their kouhai and it made him smile a little this time, too.

“Admit it, you liked the one about the sequins.”

“I admit nothing of the sort,” Reita said, which was, to be honest, pretty much an admission of guilt. “Hey senpai, how's the coffee today?”

“Gone, unless you're going to make more,” Izumi replied, still smiling. “Though if you do, take the carafe with you. If IV-kun has one more cup, he's going to start vibrating to the frequency of the universe.”

“... maybe I'll just, um, make a Starbucks run instead,” Gazette's bassist said, bowing to them both before taking his leave.

“So ... sequins?”

“And French bread,” Naoki replied with a nod as he started fixing himself a mug of tea.

“You know what, forget I asked,” Izumi said with a shake of his head. Naoki laughed and settled in a chair next to him. “All done recording?”

“Yup. Shinpei said he should have the mastered disk for you tomorrow night,” the other man said with another sharp grin. “Is Ibbie really that bad?”

“Probably not anymore,” he confessed, “but only because I've been in here for the last four hours to make sure he stayed cut off.”

“We were wondering why you didn't come back,” the bassist said with a little nod.

“It's not like you two need my supervision, right?” he replied.

“True, true.”

“Hey, what's the world's most boring snack?” the too familiar voice of Chiyu called down the hall. It was a weird question, but....

“What?” Reika shouted back from the other end and why was this starting to feel like doom?

“Chopin's salted bread!”5

“... Naoran....”

“I swear, I had nothing to do with it,” Naoki insisted. When the two giggling bassists walked into the room together a little bit later, Izumi at least had the momentary satisfaction of seeing the blood drain out of their faces. And then he saw Chiyu open his mouth to say something.

“Don't. Say it,” he warned them both. The two silently bowed their apologies as they backed out of the room. Well that ... had been suspiciously easy.

“I thought Icchama was supposed to be the ornery Oni Dad to your sweet and helpful Mom act,” Naoki teased, getting up to feed coins into the vending machine.

“Moms have cranky days, too, you know,” he countered.

“All right, all right. I'll take care of the boys and then, since Mom's cranky ... Mos Burger for dinner? My treat, of course.”

“Well, if it's your treat....”

Naoki laughed, waving with his two cans. Some day, his friend was going to figure out that the terrible jokes didn't bother him nearly as much as he claimed. But until then, he was going to enjoy the apologies as much as possible.

**:: If you're interested, Naoki's talking Mos Burger tonight. Think you can finesse your way into joining us?**

**:: If you're sure you're not tired of my company?**

**:: When am I ever *actually* tired of your company?**

**:: Touche. Does this mean you're reconsidering letting him know?**

**:: Not in the least. But maybe you can change my mind?**

He had to laugh at the tengu mask emoji Isshi sent back in lieu of a reply. Maybe it really had been long enough.

**Author's Note:**

> endnotes:  
> 1\. 「ミタパンや！」と、見たパン屋 (Mitapan ya! To, Mita panya) -“It’s Mitapan!” And the bakery I saw  
> 2\. 個展パン屋が、こてんぱんや！ (koten panya ga, kotenpan ya!) - The solo bakery was beaten black and blue!  
> 3\. Gパン履いた、爺パン吐いた (G-pan Haita, Jii pan haita) - if you wear a g-string, the old man will vomit bread  
> 4\. 血のパンダのチノパンだ (chi no panda no chinopan da) - the blood panda’s chino pants  
> 5\. ショパンが塩パン (shopan ga shiopan) chopin’s salted bread
> 
> Also! It's the end of the month, meaning your irregular reminder to support me on [Patreon](https://www.patreon.com/yuuana) to get early access to fanfic and exclusive access to original fiction, including a VK-industry-based series of short stories, Vertis.


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